Before I write the actual birth story, I feel like I need to write this tale first, while it's still fresh in my memory, because it's an indeed an interesting tale to tell. (or at least I feel like it is :P...) Now bear with me, this is how it begins...
A bit of background story
We found out we had gotten pregnant back in January, due September 9, 2016 and I was so excited to grow a tiny human again, but I also had a little secret: I was DESPERATELY hoping for a boy this time. Ever since I've wanted kids, I've always pictured my future family with a little boy. So when I first got pregnant with Baby #1, I had my mind set on a new little son... Well, obviously that didn't happen as we know that Baby #1 turned out to be a girl. (And a beautiful, crazy little girl she's turned out to be!)
Okay, so maybe next time right? Nope! In fact, when we got pregnant with Baby #2, I had a feeling that she'd be a girl too, and I was happy with the idea that Ella would have a little sister. Of course, I still wanted a boy but when we found out that she was going to be a girl, I was really quite okay about the news, and I still figured I had at least one last chance to bear my long waited for little boy....
So what's the big deal about a boy? Most women I know actually yearn for a daughter. Well, most people who know me, know that I am not a "girly" girl at all. I've never liked dolls, dresses or frills or bows and I would have rather played in the dirt than play dress up. And I know, I know... having a girl doesn't mean that I would HAVE to dress her up in lace and bows and dresses, (just look at Ella, she's obsessed with frogs and dinosaurs and tools and could care less about dolls and such...) but I certainly couldn't dress her in bow ties and suspenders... I was so ready for the change. I was done with pink and frills and bows and I was ready for bowties, sweater vests and suspenders. I was ready to give away the girls clothes that filled nine Rubbermaid bins in our basement. And I was ready to change the nursery (In fact, I had already purchased the fabric...)
Anyway, so we got pregnant at the beginning of 2016, for what we agreed was going to the last time. We officially decided that our family was going to be a family of five and this was going to be my last (planned) pregnancy. So for the first 19 weeks of my pregnancy, I was thinking and feeling and hoping all things "boy."
It was almost an obsession... I was trying to think desperately of how this pregnancy was completely different than the other two. I was reading every Old Wive's Tale about gender determination. I was taking every online quiz and even submitted my early ultrasound scan in to the Gender Experts, a company that claims to predict the baby's gender with a couple different theories. Hey, it was free and worth a shot! So what did I get out of all these things? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Most of the tests predicted "undeterminable" or "neutral."
Then I started getting dreams. I had three in particular that I remember quite well.
The first one occurred about a month before my scheduled anatomy ultrasound. In this dream, I had just delivered a baby boy, I was holding him in my arms, and Justin was beside me and we were debating what to name this little guy. (The two names we originally had on the boy's list.) I remember looking at this tiny baby and thinking he was so cute and being so overjoyed in that dream.
About a week before the ultrasound, I had a second dream. In this dream, I went to the ultrasound and there the tech told me that it was a girl. And I was absolutely devastated. Like inconsolably devastated. I cried in the ultrasound room and I remember waking up feeling extremely uneasy and sad.
In fact, every time I thought about the ultrasound and what the tech would say, I would feel butterflies in my tummy and get really worried. I was worried that it wasn't going to be a boy. Then I just felt guilty because if it was a girl, then I felt like I abandoned her somehow.
So the day of the ultrasound came around. I invited my good friend to come with me. I had butterflies the whole morning, and sitting in the waiting room was awful. (I know, I know I should have been more excited about just seeing my unborn baby, right?) So my name got called, I followed the tech to the room and she started getting to work. It seemed to take forever... She showed me the head, then the heart. She showed me the spine, then the arms. Then finally the genitals. After silence for what seemed to be hours, she said (in a disappointed voice for she knew my wish), "So, it looks like you are having another girl." Then she proceeded to show me how the blobs of white and black somehow resembled a vagina. (I personally couldn't see it but I trusted her credentials) My heart dropped. I wanted to cry but I didn't dare in that room with a stranger. I wasn't quite inconsolable, but just like my dream, I was devastated. I didn't want to show any emotion in front of my friend either. She finished up the scan, gave me a disc, and I left to go to the washroom. That was where the tears began to flow. I texted Justin the news, and a few other people, then I wiped away the tears and headed home. And I cried the whole way home.
Gender disappointment is real
In fact, for the longest time, I cried almost every day after that. I regretted finding out the gender and I almost felt at a loss because I always pictured myself with a son.For the first few months after we found out, I couldn't even go to a kids clothing store without getting upset and often shedding a tear. I couldn't look at girl things because it made me feel sick and upset and I couldn't look at boy clothes because it made me feel empty and jealous.
To make things a bit more difficult, I had a really hard time bonding with this baby. We had two boys name picked out right away but no girls name. (With my other two, we had a name picked out and it made bonding a lot easier) In fact, we didn't "feel" a name even until week 38 of the pregnancy and even then we were still unsure. I couldn't even call this baby "she" or "her". I even caught myself calling the baby "him" sometimes. Most of the time it was just "Baby."
Then, because I had an anterior placenta, I didn't start feeling proper movements until later in my pregnancy which also made it difficult to bond with her.
I had a third vivid dream where I had just given birth to our daughter and I couldn't stop crying because I was so sad it wasn't a boy. Justin thought it was because I was so happy and he said "You're such a good mom, you're so emotional.
Ya I cried a lot. Mostly in secret. I was embarrassed and ashamed at my tears. How could I be upset when we had beat the odds of deformities, diseases and disorders?
Then I felt guilty. I felt guilty because I know there's a lot of women who would just be happy to have a healthy baby. I felt guilty explaining my feelings to my friends and even my husband because I know they were getting a bit annoyed with my "complaining" (so then I just began bottling my emotions up and hiding my feelings and tears which also made things worse. I finally broke down in front of my husband and it sorta clicked with him that this was real.)
I also felt guilty for not being a good mom to the baby growing inside of me because I knew she still needed me. And guilt doesn't help the disappointed feelings go away, it just makes you more emotional.
Did my disappointment go away? Nope.
To a point where I would envision my newborn baby, or Halloween, or Christmas or next summer, with my family, and I still saw a little boy in the picture. Then I would feel disappointed all over again, then empty, then guilty...
I tried buying a super cute (and expensive) first outfit, I made her crib bedding and nursery decor which took me months.
I even got a 3D ultrasound just to make sure the first one wasn't wrong. The tech confirmed it was indeed a girl but couldn't get a good image of the face so I got to go back again, which indeed confirmed for a THIRD time that there was a tiny girl growing inside of me. So that was it. I was convinced that I was indeed going to have another daughter.
These things still didn't make the feelings totally disappear but it helped a little bit...
What also helped was honesty. At first, when people asked me if I was hoping for a boy, I would say "no" or I'd make up something like "Well, it would be nice for daddy to have a son." Then I finally started saying "yes" and it actually helped. People would either be supportive or they would just remain silent. Most times the silence was the best response. I had two friends that I could really talk to about my feelings and I felt they really understood me which really helped me cope.
Gender disappointment is real and common. Apparently, as many as 1 in 5 women express at least some disappointment about the sex of the child they are carrying.
But I trusted my Heavenly Father and I know He has a plan and I know that this little one was put into our family for a reason. I understood that if He wanted me to be a momma of three darling little girls, then that's exactly what I would be. And maybe, years down the road, they would bear some sons that I could be a grandmother to. :) What had helped me get through the past almost 20 weeks is knowing I've gone through this before. And I know how maternal bonding hormones play in the end. I knew I would love this baby when it came out, no matter what it looked like.
By the end of the pregnancy I was actually ready to meet my new baby girl, (even though we still hadn't a name picked out...) I finally put together the nursery and I would often joke with people saying... "What if the three ultrasounds were wrong? Oh well, I guess he'd have to live in a purple room for a while!"
I was so excited for our home birth. I was ready and I was prepared. I felt at peace with everything and all I had to do was wait for the big day....
If you don't already know already, you'll get why this is all so weird and wonderful after you read the birth story...
The birth day
On September 2, 2016 at 4:14 am, I was awoken by a sharp contraction that definitely was not Braxton Hicks. They were pretty close together and pretty consistent, every 15 minutes. Early Labour had begun and I knew I was going to meet my little one very soon.Even though I wasn't quite sure how the day would progress, from previous quick birth experiences, I decided to tell Justin not to go to work.
My contractions were pretty mild and I couldn't just wait around for progression, and my husband was now at home, so I decided to get Ella some back-to-school things. (Because if I was indeed going to be having a baby in the next 24 hours, I would probably not have time to get her a new outfit and shoes) We also needed bread.
So leaving Lily at home with the husband, I took Ella out. We went to Carter's (two different locations, they didn't have the right shoes at either one) and Costco (to get the bread!). All this with contractions at 15/20 minutes apart. Then we headed home for lunch.
After lunch, I really wanted to get Ella those shoes. So during Lily's nap, Ella and I headed out once again. This time to the north side location (a 40 minute drive). I reassured Justin that the contractions would probably slow down because I would be sitting most of the time. However, on the drive there, the contractions became 10 minutes apart and were more than just mild. I bought the shoes and headed home, and again contractions every 10 minutes. Justin asked if he should set up the birthing room, I told him "sure" knowing that it was probably too early but he likes to be prepared anyway.
They were basically like that all afternoon, I told Jenn, my midwife, and she said there will probably be more action once the girls go to bed because I was still in "momma mode." Sure enough, during the bedtime routine, they were definitely more intense contractions and now 4-5 minutes apart. Yay! Active Labour! I asked the midwife to head on over (she lives 45 minutes away) and I was going to hop in the shower.
She arrived at about 8:30 pm, contractions still 4-5 minutes and I was in the bedroom and she was starting to set up her equipment. I think I entered the pool by about 9/9:30pm and laboured in the pool. It seemed to take forever to get to transitional labour. I think it's because I was so used to already being in transitional labour when I arrived at the birth centre, that I don't really remember active labour. I had never actually laboured in the pool, I just got in a pushed a baby out. This time, because I was at home, I didn't have to "arrive" anywhere so I had more time to labour in the pool. It was a bit exhausting actually.
Transitional Labour started around 10:15 pm and I could definitely feel baby moving down. It was fast (only 8 minutes) and that was the end of the first stage of labour.
The second stage (the pushing and delivery) lasted a whole 2 minutes. At 10:23, I was fully dilated and my membranes ruptured seconds later, and then I started to push. At 10:25, I gave the final push and I delivered our baby!
The best surprise. Ever.
When daddy caught the tiny human, he of course had to check the parts.... Well there was more than we bargained for! He proclaimed "IT'S A BOY!!!"I didn't really comprehend what he had just said (mostly because I had just delivered a human child seconds before). He said it again, and for a split second I thought he was kidding. But then he handed him to me and I saw the tiny boy parts myself and I was in shock. And I was so happy. And relieved. And the tears started coming again, but this time they were tears of joy and gratitude.
Theodore Michael Boisvert
As we were unprepared for this, it took us a couple days to decide on a name. Like I said before, we did have two we liked, so we had to talk about it (just like my first dream!) and finally decided on Theodore. I later discovered that the name "Theodore" means "gift from God" which I think is quite fitting for this little man.
Theodore came into this world on September 2, 2016, weighing 6 pounds 9.5 ounces and measuring 18.5 inches long. He is perfect. His sisters adore him and we are all so in love.
By far, this pregnancy had led me down the most emotional rollercoaster, from crazy dreams and visions to the constant feeling that that the ultrasounds could have been wrong. I am extremely impressed by my intuition I had for my unborn babe and it makes me feel confident, as a mother, that I can make the right choices for my children if I continue to listen to my heart.
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| Theodore Michael Boisvert Born September 2, 2016 at 10:25 pm 6 lbs 9.5 oz 18.5 inches |
Conclusion
How am I doing now? Well, I'm currently Day 6 postpartum and I feel wonderful. Of course, I'm still on the midst of recovery. I received a 2nd degree tear in the process and needed 5 or so stitches. (not as bad as Ella, yet not as good as Lily) It took a few days for the postpartum abdominal pain and cramping to stop but it has subsided now. And my milk came in two days ago so my boobs are the size of melons and very sore and hard.
However, mentally, I feel like I am rocking this! Our family walked to the park yesterday and I even wore Mr Theo in my wrapped and he slept the whole time. All the dreaded recovery and soreness is highly overshadowed by my baby's "him"ness. It's still so surreal how this story unfolded. I'm still in shock and I am a little reluctant to finally start giving away all the girls clothes (that I've been wanting to do for so long..) It's almost like I'm afraid his penis is going to magically disappear or something... And yet a teeny part of me still feels so guilty for wanting a boy so bad. Like I have held on to this idea of a little girl for 5 months and now all of a sudden she's gone somehow.
But it's all good. I will never forget the feeling and emotions I had when Little Theo was placed in my arms. It was like the rollercoaster that I had been riding on for the past nine months all of a sudden didn't matter anymore. I am not sure why Heavenly Father kept this secret for so long but I'm glad He did. His plan for each of His children is remarkable and constant and our stories are unique and beautiful. I love Theo's story and I am so looking forward to being a part of the rest. I know he is going to be full of surprises. :)
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| Day 5 PPD: Family 'venture to the park |
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A yes, he is going to have to live with a purple room for a bit.
But personally, I think he looks good in purple :)
