I feel like I get really sad about lots of things:
A lot of “lasts”
This is my last baby... I’m never going to be pregnant anymore which makes me sad. Don’t get me wrong, we are more than happy with our family of six! But I enjoy being pregnant. The anticipation, the excitement, the planning, the belly, the kicks. I’m 14 days postpartum and already mourning that I’ll never get to do it again.And I’m never going to have another birth again- and yes, call me “crazy,” but I actually enjoy the labour and delivery process: It’s incredibly empowering for me and to think about it being all done makes me a little sad 😭. I tried to embrace every part of the pregnancy and the birth and now it's all done.
Also, I am mad at myself (or my body) for tearing which I know is a bit silly because there was nothing I could really do. But I felt like it was my last chance to have a “perfect birth” and I felt like my body failed me. I will probably write something later about this because there’s a lot more than physical scars attached to this area. Other than that my birth was so gentle, beautiful and amazing like they always have been.
Pretty soon, I’ll be done the “postnatal checkups” and discharged from my midwife’s care. And I’m going to miss the relationship that I've had with my her... I’ve known that incredible lady for 7 years! She’s attended all four of my births and has literally been there since the beginning of my pregnancy journey.
Even though, I really am excited to start a new chapter in our life, one without diapers, strollers and yes, even car seats, but I am a wee bit sad that this chapter is coming to a close.
Breastfeeding struggles
I really dislike breastfeeding. I always have. It's just not comfortable. But my milk did come in quick (less than 48 hours!) and I have tons of it. Which is nice I guess. But it also can be a burden. I leak and smell. And my bras don’t fit.However, I did see lactation consultant and she was really helpful! I’ve seen quite a few LCs in my breastfeeding days but she is by far the most helpful. Her name is Erica Kalke and I wish I had seen her 6.5 years ago!
Family adjustment
I look at my other kids and they’re just so big and wonder where the time went. I look at Maia and I get flashbacks of all the moments I had with the others when they were tiny and small. Then I just want to hold onto Maia a little more because I know she’s going to be right behind them, walking, talking and following her older siblings.Adjusting to four kids is a lot harder than I thought and often I feel like I’m not doing my best to spend time with my other kids.
Oh, and Justin goes back to work on Monday. And I’m not ready. I’m never ready.
Despite the fact that Maia sleeps pretty good for a newborn, I’m sooo tired and the idea getting four kids out the door in the morning to do a school drop off is really daunting. And with Maia’s feeding schedule, I’m probably going to be late everyday which stresses me out a bit.
Going out in public still makes me anxious. Like going to pick up Ella from school. (Justin’s been dropping off this week) I just don’t feel like talking to people.
And having people over? That’s like a whole different story. I’m not ready for visitors even though people keep asking me.
This is new to me because I’m usually ready a lot sooner but it’s been two weeks and still not ready to be a “people person.” And I know it’s good to have friends especially after a baby. I used to go out all the time with my other babies. I don’t know why but maybe part of me just wants me to embrace my family as it is right now? Today we went out for a nice family walk and it was so lovely to be out together. I want these moments to last forever...
Postpartum body changes
The human body is amazing. I just delivered a baby and it is rapidly (I repeat, VERY rapidly) trying to get back to “normal” after slowly stretching and growing and shifting for 9+ months. But I just feel weird sometimes.I get contraction-like feelings in my bowels which I can’t tell if it’s gas or a postpartum thing or if it’s something more serious I need to keep an eye for my pelvic floors health sake.
I get night sweats so between that and oversupply of milk, I wake up drenched in milk and sweat. Which, lets be honest, is gross.
Also I have been waking up really itchy. I think it’s because of the sweating. Or maybe the weird weather. (ALSO I AM SO DONE WITH ALL THE SNOW!)
And I thought I was nearing the end of bleeding but it suddenly got heavy again and also my ladybits feel weird...
On a positive side, the afterbirth pains weren’t nearly as horrible as I was expecting!
It has definitely been a weird couple of weeks. There have been lots of crying and tears, and I’m sure there will be more, but throughout all of this I feel like it’s necessary to record a reflection of gratitude:
• I’m grateful for 4 healthy pregnancies.
• I’m grateful for 4 healthy babies.
• I’m grateful for my body and that it created, delivered and fed tiny humans 4 times. I don't resent it in anyway.
• I’m grateful for Maia. She’s such a good baby and she’s the perfect addition to our family.
• I’m grateful for my midwife and that she could be part of all 4 of my pregnancy journeys.
• I’m grateful that my body is producing milk to feed my baby and I don’t have to stress about undersupply and weight gain.
• I’m grateful for my husband who stayed home for two weeks to help adjust to our new normal.
• I’m grateful for the people in my church and parents at our school who have prepared meals for our family these past couple weeks. This is one less thing we have to think about it.
• I'm grateful for the people who check in and even though I sometimes don’t feel like responding back right away, or don’t know what to say (because frankly, I don’t know exactly what I need) it’s nice to know that they care. And that means a lot.
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| My amazing friend was thinking of me when my days were tough |
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